Dearest Harper,
Let me clarify: I've cried plenty of times since you've come into the world, but all out of love and happiness and wonder over you being here, you being you, you being mine. Today was the first time I cried out of pain, anger, fear.
Your two little bottom teeth are super cute - until you bite me with them. And I wouldn't care so much if you bit my finger or something, but no, you bite my nipples.
The first time it happened I was nursing you at bedtime and you must have been over tired because you were in one of those can't stop crying things you occasionally do. It hurt, sure, but it was also kind of funny, and I posted on Facebook about it. You didn't break the skin and it didn't really hurt beyond the initial bite.
The second time it happened was two days ago. We took you to your first soccer game, and by the time we got home, you were a complete mess because you had only napped about an hour and a half that day. I did a speed bath, skipped the lotion, threw on some jammies, and sat down to feed you. You were in the can't stop crying thing and bit me again. Hard. It hurt - A LOT - and my first reaction was to smack your cheek to make you let go. It was a little slap, and I don't think it would have made you cry if you already weren't. But I still felt bad about it.
That bite broke the skin. It hurts all the time, even just sitting around minding my own business, but mostly when anything touches it, including my clothes and especially when I feed you or pump. Feeding you hurts so much that I've stopped you eating on that side to switch to the other because I can't take it.
So today you were in a great mood, laughing and playful, no crying at all, and I sat down to feed you because it was time. I skipped the side that hurts and started on the other. You were eating well, taking breaks and looking around because you're easily distracted, but this is nothing new. Lately you've been poking at and pinching my nipple during your breaks, exploring, I guess, where your food comes from. It's cute, really. Today you did the same thing, this time including smiling at it because I guess you were happy. You went to eat again and bit it. Again my first instinct was to smack your forehead to get you to let go. You didn't cry, just looked at me. I told you no no no, that you don't bite Mommy, and I put you on the floor. You looked at me and I told you that you hurt me and that you were a bad girl. I know you didn't understand, but I swear there was a little look of sadness in your eyes...
I got up and walked away. I was in pain, and I was pissed at you for doing it, even though I know you didn't mean to. Or maybe you DID mean to, but just because you're exploring, not because you're mean. I felt bad for being mad at you, and I felt REALLY bad for hitting you. So I cried.
And that's that. It may be the first, but I know it won't be the last time you'll make me cry. I'm not writing this to make you feel bad when you eventually read this - you're 8 months old for crying out loud, you're incapable of being a jerk! Mostly I'm writing to get it off my chest.
I love you, with all my heart, even if you bite me.
Mommy
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